Life lately

Yesterday marked one month since Henry died. It feels like so much has happened in that little amount of time, in terms of my journey of grieving & healing. Maybe it’s because everyday is a roller coaster ride of emotions or maybe I’m just coming to grips with how different my life is now from what I thought it would be and so, I feel so far away from those blissful pregnant days. Last week, I was actually feeling pretty strong and optimistic. After a very intense day of emotional release on Tuesday, I finally felt like I had shed the tears that needed to be shed (at least in this stage of the process). I barely cried for 5 days straight! I had a sense of optimism about the future and a gratefulness for everything and everyone in my life. And one of my dearest friends visited for the weekend with her husband and son; it was so nice to be in the company of someone who just accepts it all and knows that the way to help is just to listen and love me. I felt so normal and happy.

And then on Monday it hit me like a ton of bricks. Sorrow, anger, confusion, a pain deep down in the pit of my stomach. I met with my midwife and doula to check in and talk about the birth, and found out that the cord was actually only wrapped once, not three times around his neck. There had been confusion because of something the doctor said to me. In any case, this new information made me incredibly insecure and emotional. I again started questioning, what if it wasn’t the cord? What if it was something I ate? Something I did? This is a constant internal debate and one that may never be resolved with a conclusive explanation because in many cases, autopsies don’t find anything. And on top of that, realizing that most other people in my life are moving on and want me to be ‘back to normal’ too makes me want to SCREAM. I know YOU want me to be back normal, but guess what – I want my baby to be alive and I can’t have that either! It’s not their fault, I do believe they think they’re helping me, but I just need more time.

But now that the week is ending, I’m again starting to feel uplifted. Grief, I’m learning, is like that – it comes in waves. A few things have definitely helped though. One was this article from the New York Times which a friend sent me, that explains that the grief process is not one size fits all: “The truth is that grief is as unique as a fingerprint, conforms to no timetable or societal expectation.” It has made me feel a lot better to have someone who knows and has been through it acknowledge that I’m not going crazy and I’m not going to fall deep into depression if I don’t get through my grief soon. I’m just really sad, and its going to take time to manage a grief that will never be fully gone. Because after all, he will always be a part of me and one of my children, and so I’ll always miss him. Another thing that’s helped has been focusing on taking care of my body. I may not have control of my emotions and this crazy grief process, but I can ease the aches and pains that come along with it and be good to myself. I took my first hot yoga class since I was pregnant, got a great massage, and went to a chiropractor for an adjustment. Though my mind is still struggling, my body has felt a great release from the stress and tension that’s been building up. What a relief that is! Finally, continuing to talk to people and connect with those who have gone through a similar experience is helping immensely. On Tuesday, I had coffee with my realtor who lost her 3rd of 5 children – she shared so much wisdom with me, and although she still shed tears over her loss even 23 years later, she also knows that she became a better mom and better person because of it. When you go through a tragedy like this, you can choose to be a bitter person or you can choose to be a better person.

It’s going to be a long journey, but even as I am still at the beginning of this roller coaster ride, I remain very positive about the future and am determined to choose better. I know that eventually life will get back to normal (or very, very close) and I want to live it to the fullest. Loss has a way of teaching you to treasure life, like nothing else can. It’s too short and too beautiful to be wasted. I’ve got two very important guys here on earth that love me and want to enjoy life with me, and a beautiful little angel smiling down on me from heaven – and for that, I am one lucky girl.

A getaway to DC was just what the doctor ordered

my two loves

visit from one of my bests